This is just a note to say that I won't be able to post or probably even visit here for a bit. Thursday I'll have the rotator cuff surgery I talked about before, so my left shoulder/arm will be immobilized for a while afterwards. I hope I'll be able to use my hand a bit, but don't know how that's going to be. So, fair warning -- I may not be able to respond to messages for a while.
Second, if you're the sort to pray or send good vibes or whatever, please remember my youngest sister. She has had lifelong problems with alcohol and depressive disorders, and tried to commit suicide Sunday night. She has 3 children, 9, 3, and 2. They are with a friend right now, but legally will probably revert to their father's custody. This is problematic in that he is abusive and seriously contributed to my sister's issues, and in that he has no help whatsoever for the kids. My mom is on her way up there now to see what she can do, including whether or not she can take the kids home to Florida with her "while this gets sorted out". The hope is that she might be able to foster-partent them, or adopt them even. When my sister is released from the hospital, which I hope is a long, long time from now, she will have visitation rights, but only with supervision, so she's really created a difficult situation for herself and for those who love her and her children.
We all need peace, wisdom, and guidance in this matter. All good wishes will be appreciated.
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sister news
Well, color me wrong. I did see my sister and she is still, indeed, alive. As it turns out, it was *NOT* DUI for which my sister was arrested, but she had been drinking. Here's what happened after this:
The DCFS became involved in the case because she left the 3 children at home alone asleep, minutes before her ex was due home. Therefore, the DCFS will not allow her to be alone with her children -- and thankfully so. In order to not have had to put the kids into foster care, they were allowed to stay with her and their dad, if the dad wouldn't leave her alone with them. You'd think this would make him happy, but noooooooooooo -- he was put out that he had to be "inconvenienced" by having to take the kids places, etc. So, he left her alone with the kids. He left her alone with them the last time just minutes after meeting with the DCFS caseworker, during which time he refused to go to anger management counseling, saying that he was not the one with the problem...SHE was. So, I urged my sister to report that she'd been left alone. And she did. And that resulted in the caseworker calling me to ask if I could come get the children!! I told people this would happen, but the people directly involved wouldn't believe me....
The dad wouldn't agree to let them go out of state (especially not to me, the person he hates most in our family), so they called my mom, asking if she could come up to stay with them until a safety plan is no longer needed. There was a meeting set up between my mom, sister and the caseworker for when my mom got up there, so I decided to join them. I learned that the dad had been spanking the children for crying, and telling my sister that if she didn't spank them when they cried, HE would do it worse. He also had been going through her purse, her cell phone, etc., and when she told him not to, he shoved her against the wall. I suggested at the meeting that, since my sister really didn't want to be with him, and he was no longer on the 'safetey plan', she didn't have to live with him. I also learned that he's at least 3 months behind on his mortgage, so that the mortgage company is calling him many times per day, so I don't know where they'd have been living soon, anyway!
I helped get her moved, and went with her to court to apply for an emergency restraining order to keep him away from the kids -- she already had one herself. This came about because he "stalked" us the night we moved her out. We stayed in a hotel in the area, because I knew he'd come looking, and I also had my mom and sister hide their vehicles in different locations. I was in my hubby's car, which I knew he had never seen, so that's the one we left in the hotel lot. Sure enough, we saw him driving through the parking lot, so I made my sister report it to the police. The next day we went for the restraining order.
DCFS is requiring her to attend alcohol counseling 3 x per week, attend AA, and she'll also be required to attend domestic violence counseling at some point. My oldest niece will also receive counseling and be taken to Alateen or Alatot, depending on the age requirements. The caseworker visits 4 x per week, and my sister has gotten a job on the Alzheimer's floor of a nursing home, doing activities with the patients there. She looks markedly better and healthier than she did when I saw her last. She claims to enjoy her job, though she's not crazy about the people doing the counseling. This is because the first night she attended, the person doing her counseling was saying how much she hated her job, how she was looking for something else, and asked my sister if she knew of any job openings!!! So, I can't say that I blame her for that one.
This weekend we drove up to visit mom and sister, and it was a big improvement over the last time I was there, in terms of her appearance and the way the apartment was put together. Clearly some kind of progress is being made, for what it's worth. Today was the hearing for the permanent restraining order for the kids. I am disappointed but not terribly surprised that, not only was she not given a restraining order for the kids, they REVOKED the one she has for herself. I haven't gotten to speak directly to my mom or sister since they left that message, but I'm guessing that it was revoked because she moved back in with him. Can't say as I blame the judge -- she made her bed... Trouble is, her bed is the kids' bed, too. Though I did tell her face to face, eye to eye when I was there before that I would sue for custody of the kids if she does anything to endanger their safety -- mental, spiritual, or physical -- EVER again. She hung her head a bit and said "I understand".
So, there you have it. Time will tell in this case. Accountability is an excellent thing.
The DCFS became involved in the case because she left the 3 children at home alone asleep, minutes before her ex was due home. Therefore, the DCFS will not allow her to be alone with her children -- and thankfully so. In order to not have had to put the kids into foster care, they were allowed to stay with her and their dad, if the dad wouldn't leave her alone with them. You'd think this would make him happy, but noooooooooooo -- he was put out that he had to be "inconvenienced" by having to take the kids places, etc. So, he left her alone with the kids. He left her alone with them the last time just minutes after meeting with the DCFS caseworker, during which time he refused to go to anger management counseling, saying that he was not the one with the problem...SHE was. So, I urged my sister to report that she'd been left alone. And she did. And that resulted in the caseworker calling me to ask if I could come get the children!! I told people this would happen, but the people directly involved wouldn't believe me....
The dad wouldn't agree to let them go out of state (especially not to me, the person he hates most in our family), so they called my mom, asking if she could come up to stay with them until a safety plan is no longer needed. There was a meeting set up between my mom, sister and the caseworker for when my mom got up there, so I decided to join them. I learned that the dad had been spanking the children for crying, and telling my sister that if she didn't spank them when they cried, HE would do it worse. He also had been going through her purse, her cell phone, etc., and when she told him not to, he shoved her against the wall. I suggested at the meeting that, since my sister really didn't want to be with him, and he was no longer on the 'safetey plan', she didn't have to live with him. I also learned that he's at least 3 months behind on his mortgage, so that the mortgage company is calling him many times per day, so I don't know where they'd have been living soon, anyway!
I helped get her moved, and went with her to court to apply for an emergency restraining order to keep him away from the kids -- she already had one herself. This came about because he "stalked" us the night we moved her out. We stayed in a hotel in the area, because I knew he'd come looking, and I also had my mom and sister hide their vehicles in different locations. I was in my hubby's car, which I knew he had never seen, so that's the one we left in the hotel lot. Sure enough, we saw him driving through the parking lot, so I made my sister report it to the police. The next day we went for the restraining order.
DCFS is requiring her to attend alcohol counseling 3 x per week, attend AA, and she'll also be required to attend domestic violence counseling at some point. My oldest niece will also receive counseling and be taken to Alateen or Alatot, depending on the age requirements. The caseworker visits 4 x per week, and my sister has gotten a job on the Alzheimer's floor of a nursing home, doing activities with the patients there. She looks markedly better and healthier than she did when I saw her last. She claims to enjoy her job, though she's not crazy about the people doing the counseling. This is because the first night she attended, the person doing her counseling was saying how much she hated her job, how she was looking for something else, and asked my sister if she knew of any job openings!!! So, I can't say that I blame her for that one.
This weekend we drove up to visit mom and sister, and it was a big improvement over the last time I was there, in terms of her appearance and the way the apartment was put together. Clearly some kind of progress is being made, for what it's worth. Today was the hearing for the permanent restraining order for the kids. I am disappointed but not terribly surprised that, not only was she not given a restraining order for the kids, they REVOKED the one she has for herself. I haven't gotten to speak directly to my mom or sister since they left that message, but I'm guessing that it was revoked because she moved back in with him. Can't say as I blame the judge -- she made her bed... Trouble is, her bed is the kids' bed, too. Though I did tell her face to face, eye to eye when I was there before that I would sue for custody of the kids if she does anything to endanger their safety -- mental, spiritual, or physical -- EVER again. She hung her head a bit and said "I understand".
So, there you have it. Time will tell in this case. Accountability is an excellent thing.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Not enough words to describe
Today I am writing a very difficult post about my family and me. Some of you are directly familiar with this story because you know me. Others of you may be familiar with this due to your own family issues. Either way, I wish this wasn't why I needed to write today.
I am afraid, down to my soul, that I will never see my youngest sister alive again.
My sister is an alcoholic, probably abuses other substances, and most likely has a borderline personality disorder. Given these parameters, it is highly unlikely that she will ever be able to receive effective treatment. Also, given her history, including current, the outlook is equally dim. Last night or this morning, she was picked up for DUI. She has moved back in with her abusive ex, vowing to make it work this time, but before the week was out, she waited until he was out of the house and the kids were alseep and she took off in the car for God only knows where. Only this time, she got picked up for DUI, meaning THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE'S DONE THIS; this is just the first time she's been arrested for this and thrown in jail. I believe she's had other kinds of charges in the past (drunk & disorderly conduct? who knows?), because I know she was taken in handcuffs from a bar fight to the psych ward of the hospital in that town. I suspect that means arrested, but, since I've never had encounters of that sort with the law myself, and especially not in her state, I couldn't tell you if that's right or not.
I guess this post is really about me, and how do I handle the depth of sadness that I feel while still maintaining my boundaries AND trying to help get answers to complicated questions as it seems as though our family is going to have to do a full blown intervention on this very sick woman.
I've settled down a bit since I first learned of Melissa's latest news from my Mom this morning. I was actually calling Mom to tell her I have pneumonia and a sinus infection. I was even on my way to physical therapy at the time -- I have fibromyalgia and am having a particularly annoying pain in my left arm that we are trying to figure out whether an MRI of the shoulder is in order now. Anyway, I was truly surprised, and then surprised at my own surprise, when I learned of what my sister did. Mom, I'm proud to say, was fairly close to emotionless when she gave me the details. She said that Melissa had commented before that she'd never had to pay the consequences of anything she ever did in her life, and Mom said she herself now realized she'd always been the one to save her, or to have me to go save her. That was a pretty big admission, and a pretty difficult awareness to have about oneself.
I've left messages with three friends in various positions of clinical therapeutics and social work to try to find a place that would admit my sister long term with Illinois Medicaid. I also need to find out what the laws are in Illinois regarding child custody in a situation like this -- they have joint custody but she is the resident parent. Then, if that information can be gotten, we have to have a family trip to Illinois to confront her and her ex, whether he likes it or not. She is going to die if something doesn't help her, and we are convinced that the only thing that will help is long term therapy. Naturally HE doesn't want her in a facility -- who would take care of the kids and take his abuse on a daily basis? My parents have offered to take the kids *TEMPORARILY* while my sister gets help, but he won't hear of it. He said he couldn't stand for them to be so far away. What he really means is that he would have nothing over Melissa without those kids. If it weren't for the kids, she wouldn't "need" him. He doesn't want the kids --- he wants HER.
I am very blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive husband as my Arnie. Bless his heart, he loves my family, but he's ALL about me. He lets me know in word and deed that he'd move heaven and earth to change this situation if he could, but his support alone is the greatest gift he could give me. Add to that the support and love of my friends and church community (many of whom are receiving this as an email instead of just a blogpost), and I am overflowing with joy in that area. It's very hard to be both physically ill and emotionally stressed, because you can't be around people when you'd most like to have them around you. (I hope that made sense -- I'm under the influence of cough syrup, but NOT driving.)
Any wisdom or information or even spells would be welcome at this point, along with good thoughts and prayers. My brother and other sister all spoke to each other today, and they share my sadness as well as supporting me, as I do them. Folks, in case you don't know it, alcoholism is a family disease, and it's progressive. It never gets cured, though it can be treated. Treatment of body and soul is my sister's only hope here, and therefore the hope of my entire family.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was a bummer, and just realized it's Friday the 13th. How very apropos.
I am afraid, down to my soul, that I will never see my youngest sister alive again.
My sister is an alcoholic, probably abuses other substances, and most likely has a borderline personality disorder. Given these parameters, it is highly unlikely that she will ever be able to receive effective treatment. Also, given her history, including current, the outlook is equally dim. Last night or this morning, she was picked up for DUI. She has moved back in with her abusive ex, vowing to make it work this time, but before the week was out, she waited until he was out of the house and the kids were alseep and she took off in the car for God only knows where. Only this time, she got picked up for DUI, meaning THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE'S DONE THIS; this is just the first time she's been arrested for this and thrown in jail. I believe she's had other kinds of charges in the past (drunk & disorderly conduct? who knows?), because I know she was taken in handcuffs from a bar fight to the psych ward of the hospital in that town. I suspect that means arrested, but, since I've never had encounters of that sort with the law myself, and especially not in her state, I couldn't tell you if that's right or not.
I guess this post is really about me, and how do I handle the depth of sadness that I feel while still maintaining my boundaries AND trying to help get answers to complicated questions as it seems as though our family is going to have to do a full blown intervention on this very sick woman.
I've settled down a bit since I first learned of Melissa's latest news from my Mom this morning. I was actually calling Mom to tell her I have pneumonia and a sinus infection. I was even on my way to physical therapy at the time -- I have fibromyalgia and am having a particularly annoying pain in my left arm that we are trying to figure out whether an MRI of the shoulder is in order now. Anyway, I was truly surprised, and then surprised at my own surprise, when I learned of what my sister did. Mom, I'm proud to say, was fairly close to emotionless when she gave me the details. She said that Melissa had commented before that she'd never had to pay the consequences of anything she ever did in her life, and Mom said she herself now realized she'd always been the one to save her, or to have me to go save her. That was a pretty big admission, and a pretty difficult awareness to have about oneself.
I've left messages with three friends in various positions of clinical therapeutics and social work to try to find a place that would admit my sister long term with Illinois Medicaid. I also need to find out what the laws are in Illinois regarding child custody in a situation like this -- they have joint custody but she is the resident parent. Then, if that information can be gotten, we have to have a family trip to Illinois to confront her and her ex, whether he likes it or not. She is going to die if something doesn't help her, and we are convinced that the only thing that will help is long term therapy. Naturally HE doesn't want her in a facility -- who would take care of the kids and take his abuse on a daily basis? My parents have offered to take the kids *TEMPORARILY* while my sister gets help, but he won't hear of it. He said he couldn't stand for them to be so far away. What he really means is that he would have nothing over Melissa without those kids. If it weren't for the kids, she wouldn't "need" him. He doesn't want the kids --- he wants HER.
I am very blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive husband as my Arnie. Bless his heart, he loves my family, but he's ALL about me. He lets me know in word and deed that he'd move heaven and earth to change this situation if he could, but his support alone is the greatest gift he could give me. Add to that the support and love of my friends and church community (many of whom are receiving this as an email instead of just a blogpost), and I am overflowing with joy in that area. It's very hard to be both physically ill and emotionally stressed, because you can't be around people when you'd most like to have them around you. (I hope that made sense -- I'm under the influence of cough syrup, but NOT driving.)
Any wisdom or information or even spells would be welcome at this point, along with good thoughts and prayers. My brother and other sister all spoke to each other today, and they share my sadness as well as supporting me, as I do them. Folks, in case you don't know it, alcoholism is a family disease, and it's progressive. It never gets cured, though it can be treated. Treatment of body and soul is my sister's only hope here, and therefore the hope of my entire family.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was a bummer, and just realized it's Friday the 13th. How very apropos.
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