Reflections

I've just returned from a memorial service for a 20 year old who was killed in a horrible, fiery car accident, along with her boyfriend, and another couple, who were their best friends. Our church was filled, standing room only. There were people of all ages and races and sexual orientations and a million other differences, yet we were all united by our love for this young woman, Caitlin Lee.

Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Her parents adored her, as did everyone who knew her. She was their only child. I made me recall that, were it not for a miscarriage, I would have a child her age, whose birthday would have been this month. I wanted to have children "one day", but was consciously using birth control pills at the time, because I knew I didn't want to have children with the man I was married to at the time. I later learned that I'm infertile, that that pregnancy was just a "lucky" chance.

Over the years I soothed myself with the knowledge that, because I didn't have children, I had a much freer life than someone who did. But that didn't really quell my desire to be a mother. I've always loved children, probably because I'm the oldest of four. My youngest sister is 7 years young, and she is the one of us who has had the most complex life. She is a recovering alcoholic, 1 year sober this month. She also has three kids, ages 10, 4, and 3. She's lost primary custody of her children because she attempted, and nearly succeeded at, suicide last June. Her ex is abusive (go figure) and is not someone she can be around safely. She is currently unemployed, though about to start college again to obtain a degree in something that will enable her to make some kind of a decent living for herself, and, hopefully, regain primary physical custody. In the meantime, though, she's riding the Greyhound up here tomorrow, about a 10 hour drive or a bit longer, I think. She arrives at 11pm, so I will have to go down to pick her up. Then, she and I will travel up to a midway point between my place and his (about 300 miles or so) to pick up the children from her friend, who happens to be the one he gets to keep the kids all the time. Then, we'll turn around and drive back to my house, where they'll stay for the week, I guess.

Don't get me wrong -- just seeing the children is well worth it -- but this will be the first time I've seen my sister since her sobriety began. I will have to sanitize the house, for MY sake, not hers. Then I will need to childproof. And then go buy groceries for them, and the list goes on.

But on the other hand, my little sister could have succeeded in taking herself permanently out of the picture last year, so I'm trying to view this all with gratitude for having the opportunity to do this for her, and for me.

Tell the people you love how you feel, as often as you have the opportunity. Tomorrow is in no way guaranteed.

Definitions

The word of the day is CHRISTIAN. Recently, I've begun to ponder the ways in which that particular word is used sometimes more in reference to one's behavior or state of morality, so I wanted to see exactly what a widely accepted dictionary would have to say. Below are two entries that I found at Dictionary.com.

Chris·tian /ˈkrɪstʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kris-chuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective

1.	of, pertaining to, or derived from Jesus Christ or His teachings: a Christian faith.

2.	of, pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ: Spain is a Christian country.

3.	of or pertaining to Christians: many Christian deaths in the Crusades.

4.	exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ; Christlike: She displayed true Christian charity.

5.	decent; respectable: They gave him a good Christian burial.

6.	human; not brutal; humane: Such behavior isn't Christian.

–noun

7.	a person who believes in Jesus Christ; adherent of Christianity.

8.	a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ: He died like a true Christian.

9.	a member of any of certain Protestant churches, as the Disciples of Christ and the Plymouth Brethren.

10.	the hero of Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress.

11.	a male given name.

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Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source Chris·tian (krĭs'chən) Pronunciation Key
adj.

1. Professing belief in Jesus as Christ or following the religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Relating to or derived from Jesus or Jesus's teachings.
3. Manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus; Christlike.
4. Relating to or characteristic of Christianity or its adherents.
5. Showing a loving concern for others; humane.

n.

1. One who professes belief in Jesus as Christ or follows the religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. One who lives according to the teachings of Jesus.

This information became more important to me last week, when a dear friend who was the absolute pillar of our church died suddenly in the early morning hours of Thursday, February 1, of a massive heart attack. This is how my late husband died, so it follows that this death struck even closer to home than some.

This man, this pillar of our church, who cooked for everyone, who coordinated church-wide events ranging from a yearly auction to block parties in the parking lot to the annual Thanksgiving dinner available to one and all, so that no one had to be alone on holidays -- this man that I'm describing was Gay. He was also in a loving, completely committed relationship for nearly 20 years. His partner was and is equally as generous with his time and efforts with our church community, and I've learned that they were both also very active in their own neighborhood, caring for elderly neighbors as you might a beloved aunt or grandmother. My friend's greatest love was senior citizens, and, each quarter, he and all the helpers he could get would prepare a beautiful, elegant and very nutritious brunch, just for seniors. Some of these folks were unable to come to services often, due to various disabilities, but my friend made sure they had transportation to his brunch, so that they would be reminded that we loved them and hadn't forgotten them. I've only gotten to participate in the help for the brunch once, but I'm certainly going to be participating in the future events.

I say all of these things because some of his family members not only ostracized him from the family, but also condemned and criticized him, his partner, our church, and even the tone of his Life Celebration Service (his wishes were followed to not have anything morbid and to remember to celebrate life, not mourn death). These people, his family, call themselves Christians. They even mostly belong to the church of Christ.

Based on my experience of this beautiful man, my understanding of "Christian teachings", and now the specific definitions of what the word "Christian" means, I believe that my friend, the gay man, was the Christian, NOT those who claimed to be but yet had not one ounce of charity in their hearts.

I don't know if what I'm writing will mean anything to anyone else, but I had to say these things for myself. I loved my friend -- I love his partner -- and I am honored to have been, with my husband, the person called first after the minister was called. I'm honored to have spent from 6am Thursday morning until 8pm Saturday night, ministering to (not my term) a human being in the agony of loss. I consider myself exceptionally fortunate and blessed to be someone another can turn to for comfort. That, my friends, is the mark of a successful life.

Please remember to love one another as you love yourselves. And if that means you need to do a better job of loving yourself, well, DO IT. You can't help anyone else if you yourself are drained and struck to the bone with sorrow or fatigue or sickness. We all need each other -- in "real life" and here online. It was my online life and my online friends who got me through those first bleak months after I lost my husband. It was online, too, that I found my current beloved hubby. Love is love -- doesn't matter how it developed or whether it's romantic/platonic/paternal/maternal, etc. John Lennon said "Love is all we need", and I think he had it right.

Peace, and, in case I haven't told you -- I love you! You blogfriends out there -- yes, Y'ALL!!! I LOVE YOU ALL, and am so grateful to count you among my REAL friends.

Suzanne