Not enough words to describe

Today I am writing a very difficult post about my family and me. Some of you are directly familiar with this story because you know me. Others of you may be familiar with this due to your own family issues. Either way, I wish this wasn't why I needed to write today.

I am afraid, down to my soul, that I will never see my youngest sister alive again.

My sister is an alcoholic, probably abuses other substances, and most likely has a borderline personality disorder. Given these parameters, it is highly unlikely that she will ever be able to receive effective treatment. Also, given her history, including current, the outlook is equally dim. Last night or this morning, she was picked up for DUI. She has moved back in with her abusive ex, vowing to make it work this time, but before the week was out, she waited until he was out of the house and the kids were alseep and she took off in the car for God only knows where. Only this time, she got picked up for DUI, meaning THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE'S DONE THIS; this is just the first time she's been arrested for this and thrown in jail. I believe she's had other kinds of charges in the past (drunk & disorderly conduct? who knows?), because I know she was taken in handcuffs from a bar fight to the psych ward of the hospital in that town. I suspect that means arrested, but, since I've never had encounters of that sort with the law myself, and especially not in her state, I couldn't tell you if that's right or not.

I guess this post is really about me, and how do I handle the depth of sadness that I feel while still maintaining my boundaries AND trying to help get answers to complicated questions as it seems as though our family is going to have to do a full blown intervention on this very sick woman.

I've settled down a bit since I first learned of Melissa's latest news from my Mom this morning. I was actually calling Mom to tell her I have pneumonia and a sinus infection. I was even on my way to physical therapy at the time -- I have fibromyalgia and am having a particularly annoying pain in my left arm that we are trying to figure out whether an MRI of the shoulder is in order now. Anyway, I was truly surprised, and then surprised at my own surprise, when I learned of what my sister did. Mom, I'm proud to say, was fairly close to emotionless when she gave me the details. She said that Melissa had commented before that she'd never had to pay the consequences of anything she ever did in her life, and Mom said she herself now realized she'd always been the one to save her, or to have me to go save her. That was a pretty big admission, and a pretty difficult awareness to have about oneself.

I've left messages with three friends in various positions of clinical therapeutics and social work to try to find a place that would admit my sister long term with Illinois Medicaid. I also need to find out what the laws are in Illinois regarding child custody in a situation like this -- they have joint custody but she is the resident parent. Then, if that information can be gotten, we have to have a family trip to Illinois to confront her and her ex, whether he likes it or not. She is going to die if something doesn't help her, and we are convinced that the only thing that will help is long term therapy. Naturally HE doesn't want her in a facility -- who would take care of the kids and take his abuse on a daily basis? My parents have offered to take the kids *TEMPORARILY* while my sister gets help, but he won't hear of it. He said he couldn't stand for them to be so far away. What he really means is that he would have nothing over Melissa without those kids. If it weren't for the kids, she wouldn't "need" him. He doesn't want the kids --- he wants HER.

I am very blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive husband as my Arnie. Bless his heart, he loves my family, but he's ALL about me. He lets me know in word and deed that he'd move heaven and earth to change this situation if he could, but his support alone is the greatest gift he could give me. Add to that the support and love of my friends and church community (many of whom are receiving this as an email instead of just a blogpost), and I am overflowing with joy in that area. It's very hard to be both physically ill and emotionally stressed, because you can't be around people when you'd most like to have them around you. (I hope that made sense -- I'm under the influence of cough syrup, but NOT driving.)

Any wisdom or information or even spells would be welcome at this point, along with good thoughts and prayers. My brother and other sister all spoke to each other today, and they share my sadness as well as supporting me, as I do them. Folks, in case you don't know it, alcoholism is a family disease, and it's progressive. It never gets cured, though it can be treated. Treatment of body and soul is my sister's only hope here, and therefore the hope of my entire family.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was a bummer, and just realized it's Friday the 13th. How very apropos.

It's been a while

Sorry to any of you who have been anxiously awaiting another post from me. Getting over the carpal tunnel surgery has been a little more draining than I'd realized. While the pain from the CTS is gone, the pain from the surgery part itself has not, though it is getting better. One thing I've learned is that our hands are exceptionally intricate as to how the muscles/tendons/ligaments/nerves all work together. It's amazing to discover by trying to do something that x-activity = 17 different aspects of the hand working in concert. Quite a cool discovery, really, but still, one I'd rather not have had to make.

Today I had to post this in honor of my kitty Roger and my friend Tater:


It's obvious why this was for Roger, but the reason it was also for Tater is because she gets so tickled over pictures like this with little sayings on them, and now, I'm addicted too! If you are like us, in our easily-amusedness, you can find more of these at:

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/

There are many other sites that feature these "lolcats", but I love the Cheezburger site the most.

More posts to come regarding future travel plans.

Peace,
Suzanne

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Survival and success

Can you hear the crescendo of Barry Manilow's full orchestra as he belts out, half a step higher than the last bar, "Looks like we MADE it......."? I can, cuz, we did!. Well, we, meaning, I made it. :) And I did have general anesthesia after all, which is all the more reason to be happy for things going well. I confessed here, I think, my fear of "going under", but, fortunately, my fears were not realized in any way.

The anesthesiologist very logically and patiently explained to me that, more than likely, the reason I had trouble with my blood pressure elevating so much during the sinus surgery I had last was because of the use of epinephrine and cocaine in the nasal cavity, and he felt 99.9% certain that I would not experience those problems again as long as substances like that were not involved, and they weren't. So yayayayayay for that anesthesiologist and his ability to explain things well to neurotics like me. :)

I'm healing, but can't spend much time doing things like this, so I'm closing my brief note with a very large thank you to anyone who uttered prayers or good wishes for a successful outcome and speedy recovery. It's working!!!

Surgery

Hey friends in Blog-o-land, I have a request. I would appreciate good thoughts, vibes, and/or prayers of any religious persuasion tomorrow, March 1, as I'm undergoing some minor surgery. I'm having a carpal tunnel release, which apparently looks like this:


From the site: http://www.sorehand.com/carpal-tunnel-syndrome.htm


I'm also having a DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis release on the same (right) hand. The following graphic is from : http://www.handuniversity.com/topics.asp?Topic_ID=45


Anywho, I know it shouldn't be any big deal, but still....one can't help but have a bit of anxiety.

I'll have an update posted sometime tomorrow, though I can't swear that the typing will be coherent. ;) It may be funny as hell, though, so that alone is something to look forward to!

Peace,
Suzanne

My Tenth Anniversary being a Non-Smoker

Ten years ago today I made one of the best decisions of my life. I quit smoking. I quit cold turkey and I've never (thankfully) had any real desire to start back. Not to say that, if cigarette smoking were not harmful, I wouldn't joyfully resume, but we all know that's not the case, so I remain tobacco-free.

Why did I quit? Because I was ready to. I had smoked since I was a teenager, first stealing my parents' cigarettes, and then, moving in to buying my own. I cringe to think of that now, but it is what it is. I loved smoking -- I loved the feel of it, the way it looked, the calming I felt when inhaling that (nasty) smoke. I also liked the feeling of being a rebel, doing what people told me not to do, being a little bit on the edge.

I tried to quit a couple of times. Once, I quit for a few days because I was too hungover to smoke. Now, that has to conjure up a picture that isn't pretty, as well it should. In my pitiful defense, let me add that this was the New Year's Day that I was supposed to see my first ex-lover and his new wife at a gathering, and I think that knowledge goaded me into consuming way too much alcohol. Duh, you say. Yes, you're right -- duh! Funny thing is, he didn't even attend the gathering, and actually, neither did I, because I was feeling like roadkill myself. I resumed smoking within a few days.

The second time I tried to quit was during my first marriage -- the marriage to the emotionally abusive alcoholic. In fact, we both attempted to quit at the same time. BIG mistake. HUGE. The ensuing tension we both felt fed upon itself, and made me realize in just short of a day's time that there was no way we would survive each other if we both quit at the same time. So, we started smoking again.

The last time I quit was on this day 1o years ago, when I had bronchitis with a sinus infection AGAIN. Now, I've always had sinus infections, ear infections, etc., since infancy, so that alone was not anything new. But this time, it hurt too much to inhale that poisonous smoke, thank goodness. I had spoken with my family doctor perhaps a year prior to this date to ask him for help in quitting. That was when you had to have a prescription for "The Patch". He told me, very wisely, that he would give me the prescription, but he urged me NOT to fill it just yet. His advice to me was that I "needed to get my head right" about this first, that no amount of chemical help was going to be worthwhile until and unless I was completely ready to take this step. As it turned out, I never had to fill that prescription.

I still have two siblings who smoke, and it tears me up to think about. My brother has a lifelong history of asthma, and my sister has a son with asthma. She herself has been battling repeated upper respiratory problems this year especially, and her little son needs breathing treatments on a fairly regular basis. I know this is at least in part because of her smoking around him. I've tried to be as supportive and encouraging as I know how to be, because I truly do understand how hard it is to quit and how much you really enjoy those cigarettes. But if I could accomplish one positive thing in my life, it would be to help these two precious loves of my life overcome their addiction and habit.

So, if you think of it, raise a glass for me today, and say a little prayer for my brother and sister. If I could do it, and my other sister could do it, the other two can -- I just know it.

Peace,
Suzanne

Apparently, a punny week....

Musical joke
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.